Im feeling all romantic. I feel like I am ready to meet a guy, maybe try having a boyfriend again but I also feel like I have no drive to try and meet a guy. I was forming a little crush on a guy at work but it just doesnt seem worth it to try we work together, that would get messy. Im not depressed or emo. I just want someone in my life, someone who is normal, healthy and supportive. Someone I can have fun with and will be exciting to be around. Someone who can sit on the couch and just read, no conversation necessary. They are just comfortable enough being themselves, they dont feel like they need to dress up the situation. Someone I can really grow with in a healthy relationship. I am sick of looking online, but I dont know where else to look. I dont know where to go to meet new people. I met my first boyfriend at rhps and my second on myspace. :P I am going to try and just focus on my life some more, which is what I have been doing and put faith out there that I am going to be sent the man I am thinking of and we will be happy together.

It looks like winter outside. Its kind of nice, I just hope that if winters starting early, it will finish early as well.
I watched this amazing move today called Prom Queen, it had aaron ashmore(twin brother of Xmen hottie Shawn Asmore) This movie was empowering, I absolutely loved it. It was based on a true story in Ontario Canada, when a catholic school denied student, Marc the ability to go to his Prom with his boyfriend. In the end goodness prevails and the catholic church (being the drama queens they are) states that it is an attack against the church. Why do the deeply religious always make things out to be worse then they really are. There just afraid, and anyone who rules their life by fear isnt living at all. Speaking of fear....
I have a docters appointment today. I decided to make an appt and to go see someone, I havent been to a docter in over a year. I want to find out how much it will cost me to get some blood work done, I want to check into the possiblity that I have diabetes or a thyroid problem. And if its neither then I just want to get a check up and see if everything I am doing food wise, is well wise.
I had to spend my cellphone savings today, I needed gas and groceries. Plus I have to put $20 towards my Dr. Appt. I wish I was delivering tonight so I would get more tips. I get paid on friday, but it is all spoken for. If I can keep up my regular spending habits on just tips then my next paycheck will be able to go towards a cell phone. :D
I think I am also going to come out to tucson in September. I want to visit my grandmother. I am very lucky that I have a choice to go down and see her alive instead of being forced to go down there for her funeral. I am very very lucky that I still have time with her. So I am going to take advantage of this oppurtunity. I am going to be saving money all october, and I am going to try and come down in the middle of or the begging of september. No promises, but if I can save enough money for gas and food for while I am down there then I should be ok. I need to find a place to stay though. I dont want to stay at a motel, so hopefully I can stay with some friends. I do not want to stay with mom and gma. But if they offer I may stay a night or two. I need to get mom on board with it, I am thinking that we will surprise gma. Like maybe mom will say, I dont feel like cooking lets go out for dinner, and then I will meet them there! Grandma will be so thrilled. She said the other day that she keeps thinking that she is seeing me in the hallway at the home she is staying in, she gets her hopes up that I am there to visit. So I want to her to get her hopes up and have them fulfilled!
Well i am going to go to the bathroom and relax...maybe make some plans with Caiti for tonight! Later

Dear Dad,
Im sorry we argued on saturday, I am sorry I have a hard time controlling my anger. I am also sorry that I have abandoment issues and your poor reaction to saturday is making me want to runaway and slit my wrists. What is wrong with me? that no one can live with me? I wish it was an option to just leave and never come back. I wish I could just move to the east coast and never be heard from again, then I could no longer disappoint my family.
How can we go from a sentimental heart to heart to you gone for three days? I know your hiding out in Napa. This just seems eerily similar to 17 years ago. You ran away from me and lived with another. You didnt call me, you didnt contact me, I am your FUCKING daughter, I wish you wouldnt treat me like one of your exwives. I have some issues we all do, you say you cannot live with someone like that, that you put up with abuse like that for too long, your version of this picture seems slightly scewed. I honestly cant put this into words. I am Skirting around the issue, all of this is on the border of what I want to express and I cant.
I wish I had someone to listen to me, I wish someone was here to put down the knife, someone who would notice that something is wrong. Aw, but there is the rub, this is the real world, and similar to when your learning something new in a group of people, no one is watching you, everyone is too worried about themselves and in this game of life no ones got a handle on this balance beam so their all to focused on their own pointed toes and wont notice you tittering off and unconcious on the floor.
These are supposed to be the best years of my life, why cant I organize it and enjoy it. My anti suicide is knowing it gets better, and there is more to life then mooching off a parent who took you in because he felt bad for missing 17 years of you. He watches you slowly crumble and ruin his life, pushing the red button on a 16 year marriage, mentally fucking up his children and pushing him to move. Now he is broke and stressed. And it is all my fault, I would kill for him to openly say that this isnt my fault but I carry the guilt until that day, I carry the guilt.
I write this to express myself. I cant seem to find another way to get this out. Why at these moments my life would make a bestseller but when my heart isnt in shards on the floor its dry and limp like my hair, frizzy in some parts but all together disqustingly plain and boring. "Penny for your thoughts; and a dollar for your insight, a fortune for your disaster. Im just a painter and I am drawing a blank."
i feel like I have been a burden my entire life, my mom says she keeps waiting for her life to begin, wasnt I a part of her life or was I mistake from a bad marriage?
The cat never shuts up, she meows to come in, she meows to go out maybe she should go skip on 101 with marcias cat.
I cant stop these destructive thoughts, I cant stop this pain, I am so emo that I dont think medication could help. I dont even have health insurance to cure the pain that stings me everyday. I fight this everyday and sometimes it wins sometimes it doesnt today its winning. If you will excuse me I will be reading my sleeping medication bottle. I need a good sleep, maybe if I reboot the system I will feel better...maybe just maybe I will just sleep.

Katie

I have decided that british actors are by far the best actors in the world. Emma Thompson is amazing, alan rickman, hugh grant, colin firth, gary oldman, bill nighy, all enchanting male actors. Keira Knightly, Maggie smith, the entire cast of monty python and harry potter, no american actor can compare to the brits. I wish to move to london immediately and get pick up an english accent.

I have anime pigtail buns right now. And I dont see any reason why my hair should ever leave this form. I am sick and delusional. I am also tired and should be going to bed in four minutes. I am debating taking my laptop to work with me tomorrow to work on my asl paper. I want to finish typing it before I go to class tomorrow. So I can turn it in early.
Im alittle disapointed because money sucks. I am so annoyed that everything costs so much. I have to pay my car insurance this week. Fill up my gas tank and put money towards school. Im just a little stressed. I think I am going to head to bed. I have a cold right now and I feel like crap so I am going to finish howls moving castle, brush my teeth and go to bed.

xoxoxox

katie

Well...I have stopped thinking about him as much. Thank god, my brain is calming down. Now if I never see him again...i dont think i will have that crazy brain upsurge. I will be able to effectively concentrate on my life and not worry about whether or not he likes me. But it would be nice to know that someone out there is in fact interested in me and not just desperate. That he does put his family first, he works, and has his own house car and life. That maybe if there was something between us, we would be able to be close friends first and lovers second. Maybe he could be my first real long term relationship. Maybe I am obsessing again. *SIGH*
I heard something lately about two people, I dont particularly like getting married. I kind of feel bad for them, because while marriage isnt the end of the world it is definately the end of a chapter in your life because its a new beginning. So I feel sad because they are ending this chapter so soon. Because who knows they might get pregnant, have children, and then college goes on the backburner, their freedome is on the backburner, and the next thing they know they have a teenager who ahtes them and they cant figure out why they are still working at a 7/11 at their age. I cant imagine sticking myself in the position to be a lower middle class citizen barely making rent resenting my past and wishing I had done it differently and gotten a career not a job. I think that is what irks so much about my generation. Is they dont realize they have the whole world in their hands. That one day we might very well have a president that was born in 1987. A president that might be gay, straight, black white male female jewish christian muslim...whatever. That things are going to change because of our generation and the fact that these people are having kids, doing drugs and wasting away their future...it just gets to me. YOU HAVE EVERY OPPURTUNITY IN THE WORLD TO GO OUT AND GET WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU DONT DO IT! Make something of your life. Stop making fucking excuses, stop crying, whining and complaining about how horrible your life is and do something about it, save your money, move out and become an adult (i know that last one was aimed towards me) I wish i was financially stable right now. That I hadnt spent all tha tmoney at 18. That I had gotten a job and been smart about it. If I had done that I wouldnt feel like such a mooching failure most of the time. It is rediculous. Im going to read and go to bed.

I like this guy. But the thing is I dont know if I like him because I like him or if I like him because he likes me. That is how I have gotten into relationships in the past. I seem to date loser guys who like me for whatever reason, we date for 2-4 months and then its over horribly because the only thing we had in common between the two of us was the sex. And while sex is awesome you cannot run a relationship on sex alone. I have also decided to not have sex again for a long long long time because I want to focuse on my future and my school. And when I have sex I freak out about being pregnant, whether we use protection or not. If I even consider having sex again, I will be on the pill, we will have foam, and spermicidal condoms. I am not taking any sort of chances, and you know once everything is applied correctly we just wont be in the mood. So....protection is my anti-sex. haha.

Well back to the guy. and the awkward situation. So I have a chance to really get to know this guy. To take it nice and slow. But it is absolutely killing me that there is a guy out there that really does like me, that already passed the creep test, and im not with him. Its driving me completely bananas that I am not iming him, and talking to him. That I am not talking on the phone to him. Because you know what, we are both adults, and he has his priorities and i have mine. And I cant just call him out of the blue for no reason, because I would have to explain how I got his phone number and I cant say his mom because then he would ask, and same goes for my dad. DAMN IT!!!!!

Ok obviously life is telling me to keep this one slow, that this one might in fact be a keeper. And obviously he doesnt see an issue with the relation. Which is the other issue, he is my dads gf's son. YEA!!! AWKWARD!!!!!!

DAMN IT I wish my dad had never said anything to me about this. I wish he had just taken what Phyllis had said and not told me. Because now I am obsessing about another thing I cannot control. OMG...so unfair. I really wish they had come over and bbq. Because now I am not going to see him for awhile. I wish he had just blown me off at the wedding. Completely deleted any thoughts that he might be interested. That I could continue obsessing about the losers I have met online, that I am probally never going to date because I dont have anything in common with them. Or the guy that I dated freshman summer when I was visiting. The one I have obsessing about trying to get back together with. The one I have been wanting to call me. But hasnt since I gave him my number.

I just want a nice sweet honest relationship. One that is tangible and true. Someone I can be friends with, get drunk with, watch movies with, and my dad approves of. Someone that can be around my siblings without anything negetive happening. And this guy is all of these. Im already friends with him, my dad loves him and my siblings have hung out with him. They dont know him though, but they were all in the pool together. But all I keep on thinking is "OMG, he could be my stepbrother if our parents got married." And I know my dad said he is never going to marry again, but him and Phyllis they are amazing together, I almost started crying watching them dance at the wedding, because they are perfect. And I am jealous. I feel like the third wheel sometimes, not enough to have to say something but enough to make me feel like, ok time to step away.

Ok I am going to get some dinner or something. I wish I had left over lasagne.



~Kate~

Current Mood: confused

I have been awake since 5:30 am. I am so tired. I am going to go to bed. But first I am trying to get back into the habit of posting blogs on here. Because it seems that getting livejournal cool again is not something aaron can do by himself. He fails! Nooo No NO ... No one can do that alone. It would take loads of people to repopulate this website. AND probally a bunch of free shit...and no banners, and free service, because everything on myspace for the most part is free.

i know uneventful journal...but im tired...jees what do you want from me!

Katie

No one is out there
No ones around
All I hear is that small town sound
I wish for the desert to lay next to you
I long for the sun
above the mountains blue
driving around early
followed by the man
All I remember is holding your hand
the smell of the summer
flirting with rain
reminds me of you as I cry again


Ode to Maters

When the sun is in the sky
You are the band aider
The dinner maker
the fort putter awayer
But when Luna holds her thrown
you are the yeller
punisher, and verbal assaulter
Your word means nothing
and the fear in your childs eyes means everything
the world is blind because they dont see what we see.
We are the children of the passive aggressive
We are the verbally abused
We are the put down upon.
Because of you we are now the strong
We are unmasked and precautionary to your deciet.
You showed us how cold the world could be
And we learned how to make lemonade from your lemons
We will suceed and we will move on
We are not stuck in the past
We will let go of the anger and hatred we have towards your cold heart
And we will run towards the oppurtunities in the horizon
For we are strong, prepared and know how life can affect some
And know how our actions can affect others
We will NOT make the mistakes you made and we will move on.
This family tradition will not be passed down!


I guess this is the first real jounral entry I have done in awhile. And its kind of stupid that I am doing it now because I should have gone to bed 40 min ago. Whatever.
Life has hit a curve ball towards me and I am preparing for the strike out. (look at me with all my sports analogies, you would think I actually understood the hockey or football)
My dad and I had a talk yesterday. He asked me what was going on in my head. He said that I had moved from an abusive situation to another one and now I am living with someone in a parental chair that didnt have a hand at raising me.. He said he knows that some of the stuff he says rubs me the wrong way. Which some of it does. But I feel the only reason it does is because hes rubbing my mom in me the wrong way. I personally am open to what he has to say. And I said this to him, he just smiled. I wanted to tell him honestly more the once I have just wanted to come into his room and cry on his bed. But I know I wouldnt have been able to get it out. That is too much a personal confession. Whenever I feel like that I try and go for a walk. Or atleast I try and think about going for a walk. But lately I dont have much down time, atleast not much as I used to. Because even if I am sitting watching tv, my brain never shuts off. I am constantly thinking about how I am going to pay someone or something off on time. I need to take a paycheck to my dad and get his advice. I seriously need help curbing my spending. I dont know what to do. I spend too much and I feel like I am drowning financially, and now I dont want to let anyone down, before I just didnt give a shit because no one else did. But now I have friends and family that invest feelings, emotions, worries, thoughts into my well being. And I am not saying my friends didnt do that before, because some did. But others are too wrapped up in there lives to see how what they are doing is affecting others. And thats cool, thats their life. They can choose to live it or not live it the way they like. That is their decision. But here, I feel like my friends are really listening, that my dad really does care (even if he doesnt have the time) and I feel like maybe just maybe Phylis will be that mother figure that I have wanted for so long. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week, month or year. but I just know she is there for me in the long run, there for my family, she is a part of my family now, my twisted warped little family. She is there to help me and support me. I feel finally content. I just need to release all the negetive emotions thoughts and feelings I have towards Kalani and let them go. Not let it bother me, not cry at the thought of her, or a pict of her. I need to write her a letter. She has sent me a package again. And I forget to call her and thank her. I forget because when she does stuff like this it doesnt help my confusion with her feelings, and it doesnt help that she doesnt know how she feels because she has a different personality each day. So one day, Im getting horrificly tramatizing letters and the next I am getting a sentimental book with good advice and quotes in it. Signed your mom. The last letter I got she signed it kalani. I just cant deal with her bullshit. And theres always the lingering thought that I am getting more money next year and maybe she is just trying to make nice with me so i will give her some money. That thought will never leave me because I wouldnt put it past her, seeing as how she told her friend that Iw as going to start supporting her when I turned 18 and got my money. I just cant see giving her the benefit of the doubt. She has had her third strike and she is out of here.

Another Letter to my Mom

Why would you rather believe that your daughter told lies about you to your friends then the fact that they came up with their own decision about you? Why would do you choose to isolate me, and why do I only hear your voice when you pick up the phone and say "its kate" and hand it to Grandma?
Have you noticed yet that your glass was never half empty. Your pesimism has give you an empty glass to work with. Which is why you are jealous towards those with half full glasses.
Life is what you make it, it isnt fair, it isnt easy, it isnt perfect. Any issues you have with your life, you have only yourself to blame. We are here to grow and learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.
So this is not another apology letter. I have humiliated myself for the last time by being the first one to wave the white flag. You and only you can reconcile our relationship. I leave the ball in your court superglued to the floor. Grow up, and accept that you have issues and get help. Because no one will love you unconditionally until you stop hating yourself.

Love your Daughter

The ring says blue
that means happy right
my nails are changing
my nails are black
I think tomorrow I will feel pink
white I need white
whats so wrong with clear
maybe sanguine red will do
tomorrows going to be a great day
I should go to bed so it will come
Im tired
Im hungry
i should go over my vocab list again
I have to return that rediculous book tomorrow
wont you light my candle

"you have been quite unattainable"
alone in the woods
alone on the beach
alone alone alone
watching the water bugs
watching the wind
crawl into a cave
crawl out again
im watching my foot prints
im watching yours
they intertwine like willow branches in the wind
this is my day this is my cake blow all the candles out
the sun it sets on the dunes
the reeds blow in the night breeze
hunting for his belt and following his friends
we sleep like the dead until we go down to do it again
down to the sand down to the birds down to reeds 
down to the lilys, down to the kelp down to the ghostly creatures
walking slowly walking behind 
i bring up the rear your steps in mine
walking back up to shelter I stop to glance at the foam on the sand
have been quite unattainable in natures grasp 
been quite unattainable lost in the grass

You look through me like Im glass
The person you know I can be
You seem to see the me
the one I used to be
I wish I could just go back
Instead of sprinting farther away
Im getting tired of running
My dreams are on the horizon, 
an imagenary line that recedes 
All these kids around me
they see but they dont get
they scream but they dont bite
rocking back and forth
i call one last time
in my dream last night i sang
to the piano in my car
at the gas station where they tap dance
at the court where they play
another game that gives it away
watching the skating go on gracefully
like the love swans by the gazebo
i sing a mournful song
of distress and an ego
so one last time I call for help
But alone in this place
I see no sign of rescue
its up to me to fight my way out
And when I do I will be the me
The new me, you knew I could be.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? I AM SO FUCKED. ONCE AGAIN I OWE PEOPLE MONEY AND I DONT HAVE ENOUGH TO GO AROUND. GOD DAMN IM SCREWED. 

Well life has been all crazy like, I dont know where to begin or where to end at. I have lost contact with a few people who I considered friends...you know who you are. I will try and call you in the next few days. I am in the process of looking for a new job. And tieing up a few loose ends from October and November. I am hoping that I will be able to move on in the next month or so...but it is all starting to clear up and make sense...so yea...xoxoxox Katie

Fuzzy smells like POo

I am sorry to say, yes to the disappointment to many...I AM STILL ALIVE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fuckin A!!!!!

Someone can stand under here and my butt cheeks will keep them dry

Everyone enjoying my not being there? Because I am the problem with the house...everything can be stemmed back to me, right aaron??? Isnt that right?